The Crush

Okay, I’ve blown it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as bad as I did last night when I grossly, but not intentionally of course, completely mishandled a situation with Logan. Here goes…

She was sitting at the dinner table across from me and looking especially adorable. Her hair was in these perfect waves all around her face, her light blue eyes were clear and sparkling and her complexion the perfect peaches and cream. I know we all have those moments when we are just taken back by how beautiful these little beings we created really are and that’s exactly where I was at that moment. Even better, she was in a state of “information disposal” letting me in on some real life stuff. I was enamored.

She began talking about Valentines Day and the cards they were going to make for each other at school. Within seconds, her words took a whole new – NEW – direction. She said, “My teacher says we can write things on our cards to each other. Things like ‘Love” or ‘I like being your friend.’” Then, “Do you know what I think I am going to write on Quinn’s card, Mommy?” It was so clear to me that she was telling me something really important to her; that she was feeling every bit of it. She said, “I think I’m going to write ‘I have a crush on you!’ because I kind of do and I sit by him a lot and he’s really nice and he’s really cute!” I was shocked! Just looking at her undeniable sweetness and innocence, I knew she meant every word. Her words came out calmly and so sweet, not silly and boy crazy. It could have gone a number of ways, and I just blew it.

My head went to the wrong place. I thought about the little guy’s mommy seeing Logan’s card and not being receptive to it. I thought about a friend who has a similar situation with a boy who’s gaga over her six year old and she and her husband can’t stand it. I just wanted to protect this little angel in front of me, so I suggested, in the nicest of voices, that she might write something else, like “I really like being your friend” or, and seriously don’t laugh “I have a friend-crush on you!” How dumb this all seems in hind sight. Anyway, I was certainly right about the amount of emotion swirling around in sweet Logan, because as I said, “What do you think, Daddy?” and blindsided the poor man just walking in from work, Logan BURST into tears.

A horrible mommy, that’s what I am. I know people make dumb mistakes every single day, but what was I thinking? I couldn’t have anticipated her reaction, but did I need to even say anything but, “That’s great honey. I really like that you shared how you feel with me.” Why did I make a mountain out of a mole hill? But now, I probably planted this seed of “I can’t tell her anything” that will grow into a teenage monster. Ugh.

I backpedaled like Lance Armstrong and tried to repair the damage as Mike scooped her up in his arms and she just cried and cried, saying she didn’t know why. If I had to guess, I’d say that she felt that she really put herself out there, and my suggestions made her feel as if she’d done or felt something wrong. After five minutes we had her calmed down and we had a good talk in her room.

She says she’s going to tell him she has a friend-crush on him. I told her that sounds great; whatever she writes will be perfect. And I vow to think first, react later and only if necessary.

I’m so sorry Logan, as much as I hate it sometimes, I’m learning as I go, too! I love you!

Riley is FOUR!

Days like today are so emotional for me; most of me is so excited about the milestone my child is reaching while a tiny part would flash back to the day in celebration, to relive it once again, craziness and all. There is nothing like the incomparable joy of childbirth and that feeling is the reason I’ll probably always have a tinge of envy along with extreme happiness for all who travel the path after me. They were the best days of my life, my chance to witness three important miracles that I had the tiniest hand in bringing to the world. Four years ago today was one of my days.

Riley is FOUR! After the most determined attempt at a VBAC in history (or so I think) she also entered the world with a pull, in a manner that was apparently becoming my traditional way of delivery. After 24 hours to dilate and two more full of pushing, the decision was made that the baby just would not descend. We went to the OR and within minutes I was ready to go.

I knew she was a girl all along – I was right this time! Our sweet, tough cookie came out with the biggest pout you’d ever seen and the fullest head of black stick-out hair. We thought for sure her bottom lip would still be set in pout formation at her sixteenth birthday, but I’m happy to report it quickly relaxed! We knew instantly and simultaneously that her name would be Riley - and it was fourth on our list at the time! We just knew. She was perfect and beautiful and we got to hold her immediately; even with the c-section, it was so much less of a medical situation for us than the first time. We revelled in it and her and called the world to let them know our little one had arrived!

Within minutes the troops arrived to meet, know and love this little addition to our family. From the start she has been smart and beautiful, self-sufficient and thoughtfully reserved. She’s an old, intuitive soul and understands things you’d think she wouldn’t and could care less about other stuff. She is amazingly helpful, a great listener is already writing and starting to read, can count to 40 without missing a beat, loves Barbie’s more than any kid ever and has a determined athletic talent. She is girly-girl, too – loves to change clothes 100 times a day. She has big plans of going to American Idol to audition. She loves her sister and brother in ways that I can’t even imagine – she would do anything for them. She wants to go back to Disney, in a bad way. And she tries, diligently every single night, to make me stay in her room longer than I anticipate. And even though I fight it, she always wins a bit – I know these days will end sometime soon as she grows. I am so proud of everything she is and so honored to be her mommy.

Riley completed our family at that point in time and taught us with her miraculous arrival how big our hearts really are. She doubled their capacities and gave the word FAMILY a whole new meaning. She blessed us again and continues to do so every day.

At 9:05 am, Riley will turn four. I’ll be watching her gorgeous little face in the rear view mirror as we drive to ballet class. I’ll remember all the wonder of her birth and imagine all that lies ahead for her. And, just as I am in every single moment, I’ll be grateful from my head to my toes for my sweet Riley girl.

Mommy Magic

Logan received a cool gift from her Uncle Tom - a box of magic tricks. She was instantly intrigued, but like most things that require parent assistance, I was off to a good start at mulling over how and when I would find time to manage this box of tricks in the middle of the regular ones I perform daily! Not only did this box require me to find some time, but I also needed to read, learn, practice, demonstrate and then teach the tricks to my youngster. Not an easy feat. Maybe it has been due to relief following the end of our birthday rush (officially tomorrow – don’t want to minimize Riley’s big day), but I have been lax in doing pretty much everything this week and have tried to get into their gifts with them instead. So we tore into the magic tricks.

Luckily for me, as I was reading the instructions, I heard myself say aloud, “It is far better to perform one or two tricks really well for your audience, instead of performing them all badly.” Logan seemed to get this, so we started with one and I had some back up for not delving into all of them at once. We picked the ‘balls fall through the cups’ trick. As Logan and Riley brushed their American Dolls’ hair, I read through the instructions step-by-step, so I could learn the trick myself. I had no idea that they were even watching since they were chatting away with each other. I read the steps out loud – pretty much anyone looking on would have known exactly what I was doing and what the “magic” really was. I won’t try to write about it all, it won’t make sense. The final step calls for a magical tap on the overturned stack of cups and then you lift the stack to reveal a ball that has magically appeared. My two girls caught this move and you would have thought I made a real fairy princess appear in our kitchen. Their reaction was priceless.

They screamed and said “Whoa!” Their eyes were as big as saucers. Their mouths wide open. I heard things like: “Mom, how did you do that?” and “You’re really doing magic!” It was nothing less than awesome. And for as smart as they are, I felt great knowing that I still had the simple power to amaze them, to have them think I was pretty darn cool and even a little magical. Time is fleeting…what was I thinking while wondering how I’d make the time for this box of tricks? Every second was worth it for those innocent reactions that only a four and six year old could have.

Of course reality stuck cold and hard with in minutes; Logan didn’t want to share and Riley wanted a turn with the cups. A humdinger of a fight ensued. But it didn’t matter to me; I was just a happy mom, basking in her magical moment.

Party - Wooo!

Well, I think it was a success, but not without its interesting moments. The girls’ party was last night and we were blessed with all sorts of wonderful friends and family here to celebrate. With eight kids around, not our usually party mind you, it was kind of nuts! They all added some spice to what may have otherwise been a run of the mill gathering.

One mellow little dude took a chomp from another who took it upon himself to give the first a spanking, another ace manipulator worked her way into an early treat bag, while another tried to talk Riley into giving up some of her goods because “I NEEEEED them!” Finn wandered in an out of sight, happy to be left alone for awhile, I’m sure. Hannah Montana raked in the money. Barbies were played with, sugar was gulped in mass quantities, Webkinz were counted, kids were chased, candles were lit and two little princesses were queens for the day. For us all, there was never a dull moment and there are lots of pictures to prove it! (Note: Better pictures coming soon - I just realized that my photo editor was on a trial basis - ugh!!)

And now Mommy can rest! February rules. Thanks to all who joined in on the fun at our home or in spirit! We love you!

My Old List

While cleaning my office this week, I found this list that I made more than ten years ago. It’s on a random legal pad, with no title, but what it is – is obvious. I vaguely remember writing it, on an airplane, flying between Chicago and Tampa shortly after we got married. It’s a laundry list of all the things, at that point in time, that I wanted to do in my life. It was funny to find it, and amazing that I haven’t seen it before now with the moves from both Riverside and then Naperville. It definitely feels like someone in her mid-twenties jotted this down. Most of the things I still want to do – some don’t seem remotely critical at this point in my life. More importantly, I have accomplished several. It may not be a ton of items knocked off, but when you consider what they are – they might just be the most significant ones!

I think it needs a revision, or some additions – one day soon I’ll get to that. For now, I thought it might be fun to see. In no important order except the one I wrote them in, here they are:

Graduate from college
Take my mom on an all expense paid trip
Run 10 miles
Be in the best possible physical shape
Travel through Europe – all over
Go to Australia
Go to Key West
Go to Alaska
Do some type of mission work in another country
Have a collection of antiques
Grow a successful garden
Swim with dolphins
Ride in a hot air balloon
Slalom on water skis
Ski a “black”
Refurbish an old house
Write something that gets published
Read the classics
Have a child
Nurse my child
Own a couple of horses
Learn to play an instrument / piano?
Have one moment in time where I can truly see that everyone I love is happy

Knowing that I’ve met some of these goals makes me excited to add to the list. It’s never too late to have a new dream – that’s certainly something I want my kids to believe. I have totally shared my excitement about my writing work with the girls and I think that they really get it. For years, it’s been easy to NOT try and write anything – from the fear of rejection to complaining about the lack of time in my life – time has passed. I have felt such passion and ownership in the work I’ve done and contacts I’ve made – part of me wishes I’d done it long ago. I swear, I may be more tired, but I feel younger!

So this list is a reminder for me to keep at it, keep dreaming up new dreams, and keep hammering away at the older ones. And the cool thing is, if our kids always see us beginning new things and following our dreams, hopefully they’ll always do that too.

Fabulous Flatulence

Sometimes I forget what a glamorous life I lead. Last night, I dined with the most fabulous royalty; a fairy princess and a rock star in a flapper dress and tap shoes. One was very disappointed that she could not wear her recently acquired Libby Lu hair piece, but her lady-in-waiting was not up for washing out the hairspray before bed. I chuckled as I thought about what I normally consider a not so glamorous life. (Come on, I was seated next to a prince in a white turtleneck smeared with cheesy rice and ketchup.) All of a sudden I realized it’s all in the perspective!

I mean, we have tea parties all the time and my two tiny, barely-on-the-growth-chart girls are usually half naked in tutus or dress up gowns (it was SIX degrees today!) We regularly have “help” setting the table or doing the dusting around here. Most of the inhabitants that live here are welcome to participate in continuous freedom of personal expression – that’s pretty exciting. We see regular theatrical and chorus productions for free. We experience huge personality explosions, even tantrums, quickly followed by the best make up sessions on the planet. At least three of us grow daily, continually mastering new skills and expanding our educational bases. Most of us have regular manicures, pedicures and new hairstyles. Around this time of year especially, there is a continuous showering of gifts. Three of us have a chauffeur, so that’s pretty cool. We dine out frequently and who cares that most places resemble my high school cafeteria in one way or another?

The conversation around our home is always intriguing; from the correct pronunciation of Riley’s “R’s” to Finn’s newfound ability to announce his bowel movements, to the recital of the canned greeting to be used when selling Logan’s girl scout cookies. (I’m kidding completely about this, of course. The conversation with and between my kids is one of my favorite mommy benefits!) Occasionally, the adults even speak directly to each other, but as was the case last night, we experienced a mid-sentence interruption of loud flatulence and a glorious uproar of laughter ensued.

“Nothing like a good “fart” to get you grateful for the reality of your life,” I thought. Suddenly the craziness of our weekend (two birthday parties, a night out which took some serious convincing on my part and our kitchen and family room being painted) was swept away and replaced with lots of smiles and a good release of happy endorphins swimming through my veins. Sometimes I think I need to get out to recharge, but maybe not. Maybe all it takes is some good old gas (not mine!) to get me remembering how glamorous my life really is!

Logan turns SIX!

Six years ago today at 4:12 am, our lives were changed forever as our sweet baby entered the world with a pull in lieu of a push. In the hustle and bustle of the busy OR, I almost missed it when our doctor announced, “It’s a girl!” My tears flowed like chocolate milk off the edge of the table and I repeated, “It’s a girl? I can’t believe it’s a girl!” again and again. The relief on daddy’s face was palpable as if we finally had come to our long needed u-turn and our lives would again begin moving in the right direction. It may not have been as clear cut as that, but it did happen with time. The medications I’d been on had taken their toll and there were lots of things that had to work themselves out. Whatever. It didn’t matter anymore, she was here, and she was our focus!

She had curly, dark hair, beautiful blue eyes and the smallest fingers and toes imaginable. Her tiny little face was battered and bruised from her sideways attempt at getting out into the world the traditional way – you could say her face was “coned.” An extra heartbeat caused them to rush her away to the NICU before we even got to hold her, but it resolved itself soon and by 9:30 am, we got her, all to ourselves and named her Logan. She was strong from before birth, from all that she went through in there, and our other choices just didn’t do her justice. She was already different, already a survivor.

From her first moments, Logan has done amazing things. She is smart and sweet and intuitive and talked around eleven months in understandable words. She waved to the crowd at church on her baptism as if we had rehearsed it for months. While at day care between the ages of 1 and 2, the day care provider credited her with teaching a fellow 21/2 year old “classmate” to talk. Her preschool teachers said that she obviously sees the importance of being a friend to all, always including everyone happily, but having the strength to stand up for herself when needed. She is loving beyond words and showers us all with kisses and “I love you’s” by the hour. There is not another person on Earth who is more ticklish or who wants to be tickled more. She is a good and helpful big sister and completes any “helping” task with enthusiasm. For as much as she loves school, she does not like to get out of bed on school days – but hey, who doesn’t have a flaw? (Just kidding, she’s human, no doubt!)

For all of us who gladly make up Logan’s inner circle, she transformed us into new people. She made us Mommy and Daddy, Grandmas and Grandpas and uncles and aunts. She added dimension to our worlds and brought light and love to us on a silver platter from heaven itself. She made us all so much better.

So at 4:12 am today, well, I was actually asleep. I had thought my motherly instinct would rouse me, maybe a few minutes early with time enough to sit on the edge of Logan’s bed and watch as she turned six. Yeah, the internal alarm clock was a tad off and I woke at 5:20 and made it there a little late. And there she was, my six year old – it seems unimaginable that so much time as passed so quickly. She was on her back, mouth slightly open, in cozy puppy PJ’s with her covers half off and her American Girl doll in a cradle butted right along side her. Her curls wildly framed her face, her thumb no longer an issue; she was a baby and big girl in the same instant. My dreams for her filled the room, my eyes filled with tears; my heart fills with more love every moment since she entered our world. My God, we have been blessed.