Five Years and 364 Days

Five years and 364 days ago I was just waiting. Hooked up to four different IV’s, blown up from prednisone, pre-eclamptic, diabetic, anemic and distraught following the diagnosis of ulcerative colitis at 13 weeks, I could not wait for the very complicated pregnancy chapter of my life to end and the glorious arrival of our little bean to happen. We had no idea who was coming; boy or girl, big or small, hair or no hair – you know how it goes. We had suffered through a long and mostly not fun 36 weeks and the day was finally here. With all that had gone on, my spirit soared with the idea that, within hours, our little one would arrive.

During the long wait, my mom said something I’ll never forget. It may not have been the best thing for me to hear at that very moment, but she was filled with emotion and now, as a parent, I completely understand why it came out just then. She said, “I always loved pregnancy because you have the little person all to yourself to protect and love. But, from the moment they’re born, you're letting them go, little by little. In a way, I almost hated for it to end.” At first it made me sad, but then it made me strong. I had done everything I could to ensure a safe haven for my baby on the inside and it would be an entirely different challenge now – slowly getting him or her ready to take on the world, in their own way.

True to form, my pregnancy was not going to cooperate with our plans for having our baby on January 17th. The doctor, who had informed us that we’d most likely have our new arrival by dinnertime, slowly developed a different tune and the look on his face became less optimistic about a vaginal delivery. This was bad news for me, momentarily; my body and mind were so exhausted by the trials of my pregnancy that the thought of adding surgery to the list was almost too much to bear. But, as was the case all the way through, it was out of my hands.

Our entire (I mean ENTIRE) family was in the hospital waiting room nearly the whole time I was in labor. We were about to experience grandchild numero uno on all sides and it was a big deal. Plus they had all been there for us through the struggles of my pregnancy and needed the jolt of happiness at the end almost as much as we did. I felt terrible that they were still there as the clock struck twelve and my OB informed me he’d check back in at 3 am. I was making no progress at all and of course, couldn’t sleep a wink. As I begged for ice chips and watched Mike try to dose off in the makeshift bed along side me, I thought, “I guess our baby’s birthday won’t be today after all.” And once again, I secretly confirmed my thoughts that it was a boy on the way.

Tomorrow… her unimaginably joyous arrival.

Recharge

A few months ago, I planned to meet one of my oldest and dearest friends in the city for an overnight “girls’ night out” in February. Another wonderful friend of ours is meeting us - it’s been so long since we’ve really spent time together. We touched base last week to begin to talk about the details and I had to let her know that, due to birthday palooza, I would be on a big-time budget for our weekend. I asked her what she was thinking we should do and she said, “What if we just hang out at the hotel, maybe even in the lobby, and read all the magazines that we never get a chance to? We could sit in the hot tub for hours, throw all our money in a fabulous dinner and then watch a movie in our room on Friday night.” I was in love with the idea, from beginning to end, and jumped right on board.

I have found myself chuckling about it lately, though. I mean, how things have changed! A decade ago, before kids, we would have thought each other were crazy for suggesting anything like that and never would have considered it. We would have planned to do a million things, that cost a ton of money, and we would have stayed out until 4 am. Believe me, I would love to have a ton of money to spend, but the thought of staying out until 4 makes me cringe. Yes, I am much more enticed by the thought of hours on end of peace and quiet alternating with catching up time; both without the interruption of the little voices I love so much. I am enamored with the images and feelings of relaxing in a hot tub, showering without a knock on the shower door, getting ready and eating a shamefully delicious meal, with no one hitting me on the arm and asking for bites. I can’t wait to really connect with my friends. To end the night with a movie of our choice, to have the energy to stay awake long enough to see the credits and even talk about it for a moment and then fall into a blissful sleep – it’s too much. Finally, to top it all off with no middle-of-the-night wake up calls and the ability to sleep later than usual… well, I am excited beyond words.

Maybe it sounds boring; to many I’m sure it does. But it’s exactly what I need; just 24 wonderful hours to recharge. I’ve been finding myself daydreaming about it as I would have anticipated spring break in years past. I can’t wait!

I Am Invisible

Today, as I continued down my laundry list of items that has been growing since before the holidays, I had this thought: “I am invisible.” Here’s what I was doing when this revelation occurred to me: replacing empty toilet paper rolls, filling empty soap dispensers, putting laundry away from a few days ago while beginning what will amount to at least five loads for today. When I filled the soap containers, I wondered whether my family members actually think that the soap never runs out.

Earlier this week, after seeing that Mike had placed an empty bottle of lotion on the bathroom vanity, I replaced it that same day. Today, I put the new package right next to his sink so that he’d realize he had more. As I did this, I had to laugh at the thought of the possibility of someone in my life who, with no spoken words, actually did this type of thing for me. I mean, can you imagine just leaving an empty milk jug on the counter and having a new one there the next morning? What about having someone miraculously refill your travel baby wipes, diapers and Kleenex so that, when caught on the spot, you always had what you needed? And lastly, can you even imagine what it might be like to actually go to the bathroom and not be stranded, staring at the empty cardboard tube?

This is what life is like for those who live here, let me tell you! Don’t get me wrong, I have an incredibly wonderful and helpful husband who comes through for me all the time, I am not complaining at all. It’s just funny to think about the possibility of having one of “me”, in my own life, to run around and handle all the behind the scenes stuff. Sounds heavenly, I think.

I would certainly enlist that “me” to watch my kids a few days a week so that I could go to the gym gloriously alone and not get called out for a big, bad diaper (diaper bag was lacking in supplies) and a bloody nose in the same week. As a matter of fact, she could do all the diapers! I would have her clean the whole house once a week, including the sheets; a dream come true. I’d certainly hand over the bulk of my laundry to her and lots of the errands that are no fun at all, like banking and groceries and paying bills. And if I had her for all that, what would I do?

Well, I’d like to think I’d be the kind of mom I want to be every minute; completely kid-absorbed and involved with energy for all kinds of playing and learning. I’d write like crazy and become my own version of Erma Bombeck, or something like that. I’d be in fabulous shape, look great when my husband walked in the door at night and cook up a gourmet storm. I’d have the Garden of Eden out back in the summer and twenty kinds of Christmas cookies for the holidays.

Damn, that sounds good.

Guess I’ll just have to try to do it without her. A girl can dream, right?

What's Next?

Why does it seem that all of life’s major events seem to leave you in the dust and longing for more? I mean, we get to the other side of weddings, holidays, even home building and all of a sudden we’re searching for life’s next big moment and something else to set our sights on. With kids, it’s even worse because those dollies and trucks don’t really provide the hours of childhood entertainment we expected; actually losing their luster not long after the security wires and twist ties have been meticulously removed. And here in the Midwest, we also have the daunting and at times, gloomy, long days of winter ahead of us. For as much as I love the moment that I pack the last of our holiday decorations, it’s always been hard to relax in the aftermath of the festivities. I find myself searching for something new to sink my teeth into.

I can remember returning from my honeymoon and realizing, with great disbelief, that it was over. I can honestly say I felt that way after the birth of my children, too (and I was all too ready to have those pregnancies come to their joyous ends in the final days, believe me!) Recently, after building our home, and truly loving it, I fell into a bit of a slump. My husband mistook my attitude for not caring for our home. That couldn’t have been further from the truth, but it took me awhile to figure out that I was just disappointed that the build up was over. I missed the daily trips to our ever-changing dwelling and mostly the anticipation of what was to come. Thankfully, in all those instances, life has certainly provided me with something new to cling to or focus on; some little seed to grow. It always does.

I guess it’s human nature that keeps us moving on and maybe that’s a good thing as long as we’re enjoying our big moments before switching gears. In our house, we have three of our five birthdays in January to celebrate. This makes living in the holiday moment a bit of a challenge for sure. Our girls, five and three, are well into birthday deliberations before school lets out for the holidays and by the time our ornaments get packed away, I have a list a mile long to contend with. A good friend coined the phrase “birthday palooza” - an undoubtedly fitting title for those of us who have two or more family birthdays in close vicinity.

I can’t tell you how much I have complained about those January birthdays; what to plan, the kids getting too many gifts, all the money out the door at once. But this year, I have a completely different outlook. I’m thankful for them and realize that they’ve made it easy on me to avoid an annual post-holiday holiday slump after all. To boot, I have a great excuse for keeping family get-togethers and celebrations simple since we’ve all just spent a month over-indulging in all sorts of good things. This year, I’ll be grateful to ride out that forward motion and plan our simple party – pizza maybe – right after the holidays. Who really needs a big spread anyway? We’re all trying to lose those five pounds we just gained, right?

Now, for what to do in February…..

Beginning

So, I am at the starting point of what seems to be a very intriguing and exciting possibility: a freelance writing career. After years of writing for my own pleasure, I’m doing it, pounding the virtual pavement with tenacity and trying to find paid jobs to get this thing off the ground. I know I can write and have been blessed to be connected to a wonderful freelancer from our local area, Patti, who is amazingly helpful and supportive, gave me my first break and now a couple of paid features a month to get under my belt. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for her!

As I struggle through this month’s feature (it’s for a professional newsletter in a field that I have not worked in before) I mostly contend with the need to build confidence in my writing and my ability to pick up something new, digest it and be able to write about it. There is this period of time when writing, for me, when, no matter what I do, it just seems like chaos. All of a sudden, it clicks, I don’t know how or when it happens, but it really always does. It is the hardest part to wait out and I always think “this is the time it won’t happen!” But it comes eventually and in time. From a career standpoint, this is something I want like nothing else, and I am willing to do what it takes. No doubt it will take believing in me --- in the midst of something new, maintaining self-efficacy is a tough challenge, but surely possible.

I have a huge portfolio of personal writing endeavors, but as far as paid projects, only a few press releases and as of this coming Monday, my first byline. It is a huge deal for me and I am really proud of myself. I have other things in the works, too – I am anticipating many good things to come. At this point, believing in me might be the single most important thing I can do!

Back in the Saddle

There is a special feeling about getting back in the groove after a long break; like after you’ve had a baby or been through a move. I’m feeling it right now after what seemed like endless holidays. Everyone kept saying that they couldn’t wait for school to start again and I really couldn’t relate. After two weeks of house guests and countless parties, my kids hardly had a break to speak of. Not that they didn’t have a great time mind you, I just wondered how tired they must be when I am so totally pooped!

I really was dreading the back to school thing, to be honest. Logan, a 99% sweet and easy-going child, is a bear in the mornings until her feet touch the first floor. It has been so nice to allow her to sleep late and wake up slowly, not even getting dressed until necessary most days. Riley and Finn joined in and slept late too, even though they are earlier risers. I tried to get them up a little earlier the last few days, but it was just so nice to let them stay and get more sleep and give myself the chance to linger between the sheets a little longer or hop out early for some “me” (writing, paying bills, organizing) time. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing in the peace and quiet of a sleeping house, it is still “me” time! So back to school day was soon upon us and we survived just fine.

I actually did well getting them all dressed and fed and out the door by 8:15 – I was even showered. After a stern talking to about consequences, Logan thought better of the “push back” path she almost went down. The morning was pleasurable and happy and everyone cheerfully yelled goodbye as we dropped Logan off. Riley’s drop off went without a hitch as well and I was down to one for the first time in weeks. Granted, by far the HARDEST ONE, but ONE just the same. The little man and I headed out to do a few returns and in the middle of it I felt extremely grateful for the opportunity to be moving along at a swift pace, with only one in my charge, and actually to be knocking things off my list!

As soon as we hit the grocery store, the longest errand, the monster arrived in true form. Finn cried and screamed in frustration while opening most of my groceries and fighting his seat belt. There wasn’t much I could do, he could pretty much reach anything he wanted and I needed more space than the bottom of the cart! It’s funny, I am so beyond this bothering me, if it had been Logan as a baby, I would have died of embarrassment. But with Finn, I just plug along, trying to get the day’s deeds done. He got over himself eventually and by the time we checked out had a full on flirt fest with the gals who bagged our groceries. They, who had not witnessed Godzilla in the aisles, all thought he was the perfect angel - which, despite his colorful personality, he definitely is.

Yes, it is good to be back in the saddle. I definitely welcome our routine back with open arms, poop in the horseshoes, and all.

Happy New Year!

Speaking of gratitude… I have a lot of it to go around this holiday season. What a perfect way to kick off the new year in my blog; thanking everyone for all the things they have done to lighten my load over the past weeks.

First of all, I’ve got to thank Mike for being the amazingly helpful husband that he is. It is nearly impossible for him to even think of leaving work early or to consider anything less than 12 hours a good day’s work, so for the couple of times he arrived home between 4 and 5, I am greatly appreciative. That is worst time of day for most of us and one of the greatest gifts is having the reserves show up to support you right then. It doesn’t get any better than when the “reserves” is daddy. Mike helps in every way he can, I couldn’t dream of a better husband or father. He helped me make it through our five family Christmas celebrations when both of us were ready to cancel; and he made them fun, too. He jumped right in when Finn started puking two days after Christmas and today left for work feeling queasy. To top it off, he ends to holidays every year with a birthday celebration that is lacking some enthusiasm since were all so tuckered out. And he doesn’t mind a bit. He is simply the best and I am so thankful for him.

Next, I am so grateful that my kids kept it together through most of the holidays with only a few minor and expected meltdowns along the way. It is a lot to handle for sure and they really do it so well. With the possible exception of the fact that at every party we host and attend, my kids are asking me where the presents are, I think they have done remarkably well and feel a lot of gratitude for the wonderful family they have and all that have received. More importantly, I have witnessed them experience great joy in giving to others this holiday season – the best gift of all.

Our parents have helped so much this holiday season, too. My mom took more than a couple days off work to help out and watch the kids so I could attend events at both Logan and Riley’s schools, get some writing done and prepare for our various house guests. She babysat at night too, and always leaves the house in perfect condition – cleaner than how she found it. She helped me think through gift and party ideas. She provided me with and outlet to vent in much needed situations of holiday stress. More importantly, she’s my new partner at the gym – which is a great thing for both of us! Our kids couldn’t love her more and I am enormously grateful for her every step of the way!

Mike’s Dad and Mary were so wonderful to watch the kids so that I could get out and go to that much needed gym. They visit at a time when everyone is worn out and tired and always make it so much fun. The kids (and we) adore them. There’s always some new gadget or technology purchased for us while they’re here – this time its software to load our camcorder tapes onto the computer – that makes our crazy kid-filled life easier in a big way. We are so thankful for them in our lives and don’t know what we’d do without them. Grandmom even picked up the stomach flu while visiting, but still sat at Mike’s birthday dinner with a smile. It doesn’t get much better than that.

My dad joined in the craziness as well, by spending two days here babysitting pre-holiday so I could finish up shopping and do some writing. Although he felt he left a mess behind, he also left three happy kids that were glad to spend the time with him and won’t stop asking the rest of us to play the “flush the toilet” game. I am very thankful for the kid-free errands and the time they got to spend together.

Mike’s mom put out a wonderful spread for the holidays and opened up her home to our crew despite the fact that it’s on the market (with new carpeting!) She helped us out with watching the kids so we could have a much needed dinner with good friends. We are so lucky to have her in our lives.

I’m grateful to everyone who touched our lives this holiday season; all our brothers and my sister, friends and extended family, the parents and kids at school for making holiday celebrations wonderful. I wish everyone a healthy, happy new year and heart full of joy all year long.

It sure sounds like I have a lot of help… what do I have to complain about??

Happy New Year!